Going dark

The family arrives today/tomorrow to participate in/witness my graduation, so I'm disappearing until all the festivities are over.

I'll be back with pictures to post soon!

Jenna is almost here! (Hi, Jenna!)

The first White valedictorian at Morehouse, an HBCU

As a student of higher education, I'm fascinated with this. I'm not sure how I feel about it, actually. What are your thoughts?

Graduate School Retirement: What it's like

I've always heard that people who go into retirement are actually busier than they were when they were working. Not being retired myself, I can only relate through my experience since finishing graduate school a week ago. In part, things are better because I'm sleeping better - less wear and tear on my mouth guard, and I'm sleeping shorter amounts of time. At first I thought that meant I was sleeping worse, like my body and mind didn't know what to do in the absence of stress, but I think it actually means that I'm sleeping better. I think the sleep I'm getting is less restless and fretful, and I'm waking up early because I am rested. That feels good, because I haven't really had that for a week straight in three years.

Among the things that are keeping me busy are pre-graduation events, pre-baptism events, and all of the deferred maintenance on me, especially my hair. Yesterday I went for a long walk outside, and despite the five mosquito bites I came home with, it was lovely. So, I have a haircut today, dinner with the cohort Sunday, we had a picnic last night, we're assembling programs tomorrow, we're meeting with the pastor tomorrow, too, and a realtor on Saturday and blah blah blah. All of the things that have been put off for anywhere between four months and three years are happening now!

I have not cracked my huge stack of growing magazines, and my knitting and quilting are dusty. I hope to pick those things back up over the summer.

My next project is to mimic this. You can check out the full list, Mighty Life: Things to Do Before I Go, here. I want to reflect on the things in my life, what I want to do and see. I am also taking a lesson from Mighty Girl and will begin to list the moments I hope pass before me before I die, those moments I hold sweetly in my head and mind.

Until then, I'm looking forward to the busy-ness of the next few weeks. Both the celebrations and the quiet moments. I've been waiting a long time just for time. And I think I've earned it.

Today is the day

Need I say more?

UPDATE: HOLY SHIT. My hands are still shaking.

Now that I can use my brain for other things...

this is blowing my mind!

Anagrams are fun! I know - I'm a loser. Ask Jenna about the conversation about Justin Timberlake's new album that we just had. Oh, wait. I think I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone about that.

Sorry, Jenna! Like I said, I hope you still love me after this month is over and done with.

:)

Grad School: RIP 2005 - 2008

I know it's a little premature, but I just finished my last paper for grad school and I am flipping out. It's 11:15 PM on Tuesday, April 29. Mark this day.

Impact final is done - 10 pages even, meeting neatly the 8 - 10 page range.

All I have left is to defend my case study (how casual I can be about that silly defense!) and I AM DONE. (Three more class sessions, but that's a formality at this point.)

It's been three years. Three long years of working, schooling, studying, cramming, writing, researching, reading, discussing, contemplating, struggling and cursing. Lots and lots of cursing.

Oh shit. What am I going to do with myself?

Song for Gram

Just weeks before my gram died I became obsessed with the song "Goin' Out" by Sarah Harmer, mostly because it reminded me of my gram and the comfort and love she made me feel throughout my life. The song just popped up on my iTunes playlist while I was writing my paper, and it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about her, and the love she left with us, and how very, very much I miss her spirit.

Goin' Out
When the days close on the memories that you’ve acquired
And your body cannot hold your soul inspired
You are here and not alone
Everybody has come home
There’s a bed made up upstairs
If you get tired

All the heaviness around you will get light
And your worry lifted up into the night
Left with nothing but pure love
Left with all you are made of
Can I stay around awhile
Is that all right?

Oh lives don’t end
We're goin’ out to be brought back again
Our lives don’t end

(You can listen to a sample here.)

Update to the update (updated again)(and again)(and again)

left to do:
defend case study
32 oz of UFO

done:
write Impact final
read for Impact final
Impact response paper
case study (38 pages done and handed in. early.)
case study planning (the plot is in my head and will soon be in PowerPoint)

ALMOST THERE! 10 days to go.

Great tips for Earth Day!

Go here to check this list of 50 easy things you can do!

Highlight

I have to say the highlight of my weekend happened when I was exiting the cafe where Tara and I had lunch yesterday and a guy on a bike rode by with both nads hanging out of his shorts, while they pressed against the bike seat.

Both. Nads.

An exchange Jenna and I just had:

hooperlindros (10:34:29 PM): hey!

Generator2376 (10:34:53 PM): WEIRDO - I was just thinking about you! I was about to look up one of your poems

hooperlindros (10:35:21 PM): I can write you a poem now if you want

Generator2376 (10:35:32 PM): let me guess:

Generator2376 (10:35:40 PM): roses are red

Generator2376 (10:35:44 PM): violets are blue

Generator2376 (10:35:49 PM): school sucks and

Generator2376 (10:35:51 PM): school sucks

My first act as a circus performer...

...watch closely (over the next several days) as I make items disappear from the list:

Left to Do:
prepare oral defense
defend the case study
read for Impact final
write Impact final
get drunk

Done:
edit 37 page Integrative capstone case study (it's now 38 pages and DONE)
five page Impact reaction paper

Defense

It's official - my oral defense is on Monday, May 5 at 1 PM. Please be very nice to me in the days leading up to that and in the hours immediately beforehand!

And in the hours afterward?

BUY ME A F*&%ING BEER!

PP,P2

= Pity Party, Part 2

I'm tired!!

Wahhh. I literally do not think I have ever been this tired in my life, outside of the stupid times stupid Val in stupid college stayed up stupidly all night long. But still, stupid Val in college didn't also work stupid full stupid time when she did that.

It has never taken me this long to write five pages. Ever. It would help if I could keep my eyes open, but come hell or high water, I am finishing this damn thing tonight IF IT KILLS ME.

KOOZA

Tara and I, along with her parents, went to see Cirque du Soleil's KOOZA last night, and it was truly magical. Full of traditional clowning and old-school circus acrobatics, it was really one of the most magical experiences of my life. I was held in the suspense of true wonder and curiosity for 3 hours straight!

Never mind that it was actually in the Grand Chapiteau, so it was old-time Big Top circus all-around! I think my favorite act of the night was the Unicycle Duo. They did tricks not unlike figure skating pairs, all while the male half of the duo skillfully peddled his unicycle, often balancing the female acrobat high in the air. The intimacy and trust required to perform this act was palpable, and only intensified the magic under the Top!

Of course, for heart-thumping, blood racing action, The Wheel of Death never disappoints! My favorite were their scaly pants and devil horn hair! Not to forget the contortionists, who twisted into unimaginable, complicated, and human-body-defying shapes!

This was my last hurrah before the final push for school, and what a way to go out! Left on the docket: edits to the 37 page Integrative final; write the 4 page response paper for Impact; read for and write the 10 page Impact final; and prepare and present my oral defense. I will be done three weeks from tomorrow, and I can't wait. I'm ready to graduate already so I can run off and become a circus performer!

Because I know you're curious

I am eating a granola bar, and I just ate a dried cherry so tart that it gave me that feeling in the back of my nose just like when you get chlorinated pool water sucked in the wrong way.

Weird.

Yowza!

Yesterday, as I was leaving class, I had in tow:

- my notebook and pen loose in my hands
- a 1/2 full water bottle
- my purse
- my backpack
- my car keys
- my cell phone
- a paper that just got handed back to me (19/20 points awarded!)

Not ten feet from my car I stubbed my toe, twisted my ankle, and I, the notebooks, the water bottle, my purse, my backpack, my car keys, my cell phone, and my paper all went flying and crashing to the ground. I scraped my hand, my knee (through my pants) and twisted my ankle and my back.

I'm sore today, but it's mostly my ego that's bruised. And man, it hurts!

First draft

I just sent my motherf&$%ing thirty seven page draft to my professor. I think it's done, except for minor changes. Yes, that's right. Possibly DONE except for some editing.

This means I have one four page paper and one 12 page paper left.

EVER. E. V. E. R.

OH MY GOD.

I am GIDDY and just finished dancing around the living room with Tara.

Video: Bob, being Bob

This is an old video from our old apartment - 2003, I think.

Image: Nephew

You're killing me, kid.

Image: Happy Birthday, Bob!

Today was Bob's 8th birthday. Needless to say, he was a little confused about why he couldn't eat the food already? Why was this thing burning in his food? Don't mommies know that I'm starving and they should give me that food instead of singing?! Why are they torturing me? It's MY BIRTHDAY!

Happy birthday, Bob! You fool!

Hiatus

You may not hear from me until May 9th. It's not you. It's me.

Oral defense: Monday, May 5 at 5 PM
Integrative Final Due (25 - 30 pages): Wednesday, May 7
College Impact Final Due (10 - 12 pages): Thursday, May 8
Die of Complete Exhaustion: Friday, May 9, then drive to Rochester for Harrison's birthday party
Wait for Graduation: May 12 - May 23 until 1:59 PM
Become Master: May 23, 2:00 PM
Begin Student loan repayment: six months later

For Gram

Like Sarah, I am posting the eulogy we delivered together at Gram's funeral. Yesterday was Easter, the secular version of which invariably reminds me of Gram. The last few weeks have been hard, and I have a few moments when I am thinking about something else entirely. These moments are sometimes punctuated with memories of her, or visions of her in her casket, or other moments from the last two weeks or of her eighty-eight years. In the end, she has given us so much, and though her physical body is gone from us, there are so many things, countless things, that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I love you, Gram. Thank you for everything you have ever given us.
____________________________________

We want to talk a little about memory today. We want to talk about memory because, as most of you know, in the last few years of her life, our Grandmother lost much of her memory to Alzheimer's. Much of the time, she could not remember us, her beloved family and friends. On very bad days she could not remember even herself. It seems fitting, then, to honor her memory with remembrance and recollection.

You are a girl. There is the fresh sweet taste of still-warm milk on the farm; the family of skunks befriended one summer and visited every day in the fields; being scolded by your mother, our great grandma Gladys, for mussing the dress and Mary Janes you are forced to wear, even though you are a tomboy and invariably prefer trousers. The dresses never stop you from climbing every tree. You skin your knees. The patent leather shoes lie in a heap in the mud. You love your daddy, Freeman Ordway, and he adores you above all else.

There are near death experiences as a child, later retold with humorous sensationalism to wide-eyed grandchildren: a lightening strike on the house, with your hand just a few inches away from the post of a cast-iron bed, sheets scorched; an amusement park accident with a collapsed chair swing, returning the next day to find eyeglasses crunched next to a giant, steel support beam.

Later, as a teenager, you are carousing with Curly, with Vince, and your "gang" of friends, everyone smoking and drinking, all packed to overflowing in your cars and always going to country dances the next town or county over.

There is Curly, our grandpa, Clarence Richard Hooper, the love of your life. You go all over New York, Pennsylvania, and even Canada, to explore your love of music, especially organs and organ music. There are three children, first Douglas, then Donald, our father, and finally a girl—Martha. There are swimming trips and picnics. Silverware sewn to napkins with fine silver thread as an April Fool's prank. Piano lessons, Girl Scouts, county fairs, train exhibits, and home-sewn costumes. Vegetable gardens, perennials, annuals, iris beds, saplings, and raspberry canes. A pet bunny carried in your apron pocket. Beloved dogs Lady, Mugsy, Joey, Nicky, Mokey, Macduff, and Duffy. Cats too numerous to name. You are always scanning the skies—in the day for birds and at night for constellations, shooting stars, meteor showers, and eclipses. Your children grow. There are weddings and divorces. Grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Accounting class, pottery class, basket-weaving class. Lifetime subscriptions to Smithsonian, Nature, National Geographic, and Scientific American. Countless books and more books.

Later, when Curly retires, you come home every day at your lunch hour, from your job at the gas company, to make him lunch. This works out very well for Grandpa, since you are off from 12 to 1, Price is Right ends at noon, and Days of Our Lives starts at 1, so he has an hour free in his afternoon schedule. You have lunch together every single day. Many years later, after Curly's death, you play for me and my husband a record of organ music and recollect emotionally how this particular organist's hands remind you so much of Grandpa's when he played. It is the only time I have ever seen you cry, remembering your husband's hands and how they danced over the keys.

Then there are our own memories of you, like the flickering 5-4-3-2-1 countdown before an old black and white movie: the smell of fresh molasses cookies and the POP! of the cookie jar seal, or of fabric softener sheets, tucked into musty old volumes of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

There are old margarine containers, holding red coins from Michigan Kitty, orphaned boardgame pieces, or leftover cinnamon apples after Thanksgiving. There is a freezer full of pinkish applesauce in square Tupperware, TV dinners, orange push pops. Dead birds in plastic bags you rescued from the driveway or from the radiator grills of parked cars, and froze so you could examine them later.

There's the sweet treat of Lifesavers tucked neatly into the corner of the electric organ, a hideaway for mixed fruit, wintergreen, butterscotch. The measure of a perfect dollop of pear and fig filling in the center of a cookie. Angel food cake upside down, waiting to cool, ready to cover with sugared strawberries, handpicked raspberries, or to eat plain, with our fingers, swinging together on the back porch.

There is the taste of Dr. Pepper, which we bought with extra quarters you brought just for me, and sipped from fat glass bottles in the laundromat, waiting for the wash to dry, swinging my feet in the plastic chairs when my legs were too short for my feet to touch the ground.

There’s the smell of paper and ink, a dull brass key held tight in my hand, sweaty with responsibility as I move with purpose toward your Fillmore post office box, Number 51.

We traipse through Southern Tier cemeteries to find graves of long lost relations, Val and I gathering the discarded plastic flowers for our own morbid collection; we stand in the big farm kitchen, learning how to spoon flour into a measuring cup and scrape the excess with the flat back side of a knife. There are candy hunts on Easter morning with personalized riddles leading the way to each sugary treat. We are hunching over the dining room table over baking and science and sewing projects. We are reading Mary Jemison's autobiography together and then leaving flowers at her grave in Letchworth Park.

There’s me, leaning on the doorframe of your bedroom downstairs, watching as you ready yourself for a grocery trip "downtown." First, Listerine, then a thorough brush through your long, grey locks, carefully separating it into an even part, then braided and pinned neatly to your head until the braids meet, then cross, in the middle, ends tucked in. All this held in place with the familiar spray of White Rain Extra Hold. A quick flash of a toothy smile into the mirror to double-check. A tug of the shirt to straighten it out, wisping away any stray animal hairs. Perfection.

I am eight, and it is summertime and we are with you during summer vacation, like every summer before. It’s humid and sticky out during the days, but at night the air is biting and cool. You set up lawn chairs in the back yard and tuck us in up to our chins while we watch for shooting stars. For each one we see, you ask us to say a wish out loud. I thank the stars for you. Before bed time, you bring us mason jars to collect lightening bugs, and we marvel at them glowing inside the jars and in suspension above the irises. Before we sleep, we open the lids and release them into the night air. We whisper, “Goodbye. And thank you.”

You are calling to the chickadees, listening to the quiet whirr of hummingbirds in flight. You reply to each piercing squawk of the nearby cardinal or jay. You laugh when I shave my fingernail into the batch of butter pickles we are making. This summer, there's a litter of bunnies borrowed from a farmer friend, on loan just for us.

Finally, here I am, tucked into bed in my own father's childhood room, the room where I was brought first as an infant, just back from the hospital. It's a few years later, I am bundled under high quilts with stories—House at Pooh Corner. Later again in the bed, as a teenager, exhausted from a night of late talking or rummy. Finally, in the end, as a woman, with my husband beside me. You kiss us both, tuck us in, like children, then go singing down the stairs and into the night.

Thank you, Gram. Thank you for your memory.

Image: Grandmother

Goodbye, sweet lady. I love you more than you could ever know.

Making Peace

I've had several epiphanies over the last several days, and I am officially making peace with the work I have to do over the next 2 1/2 months. The bottom line is:

- it has to be done
- it will end at some point
- I can do it

I am looking forward to May 23, and also certain stops along the way. I have to be OK with it. I have chosen this.

(Can you see me still convincing myself?)

bad day

Today was a bad day. A bad, bad day. Not for any particular reason, just because of the combination of 1,000,000 little and semi-little things that added up to too much stress.

The only consolation is that with tonight's class getting over, I have only 19 classes left until I'm done, and boy am I ready.

I'm exhausted.

Valerie: Version 3.0

I will post soon about my recent upgrade and the subsequent weekend away with Tara. It was really a wonderful weekend together, and was the recharge I needed to get through the next few months of really busting my ass in order to graduate, among other things.

Onto the next things in my life...and I'm looking forward to them all.

Thank you to those who called, sent cards, sent balloons, sent pictures of balloons (Griffy) and many other wonderful ways to show me that I am special to you. I appreciate you more than you know.

With love,
Val

Image: Jenna, I'm just not sure how I feel about the fact that this is even a possibility

Image: Sisters

I think if anything, Sarah and I can thank our parents for our good teeth.

Image: Eyes

I sure hope our baby has Tara's eyes.

Three things

1. Go, Obama, go!
2. If Romney wins anything close to the presidency, I'm moving to Canada.
3. Not sure if I'm ready for President Hillary. Jury is still out.

Now from the F***ed Up News from Missisippi Department...

http://billstatus.ls.state.ms.us/2008/pdf/history/HB/HB0282.xml

There is currently a bill being proposed that would require restaurants in Mississippi to ask patrons to step on scales to determine Body Mass Index before dining in their restaurant as a means to address the obesity issue in that state. If the BMIias found to be too high, the restaurant would be legally bound to deny them service, and turn them away.

Apparently, lawmakers in Mississippi haven't learned several things, including that people can't only get food in restaurants, and, oh, that there are 400 million other ways to change people's habits with food and develop healthier relationships with themselves and their environment.

Oh. My. God.

What is family?

On Monday, Tara and I were honored to attend our Godson Gus's adoption. His parents, Lisa and Tanya, invited us to witness their hearing in family court, a process that legally formalized Lisa's role as Gus's mother and provided both Lisa and Tanya (Gus's birth mother) with the same rights. It was an emotional week leading up to the adoption ceremony, as Tanya just returned to work after three months at home with Mr. Gus, and the daycare/work/family time dance began. Needless to say, the three months of sleepless nights, agonizing over daycare drop-off, shit-filled diapers, and other pleasures of new motherhood have not really made Lisa feel like she needed to be validated as his mother. Who else has been more of a mother to him than each of the two of them? No one. But there are these hoops, and sometimes, we have to jump through them.

Ultimately, it was really a beautiful ceremony, one that acknowledged Lisa more than it asked her to prove herself to the court or the judge. And though we celebrated their legalization as a family, and each day we try to honor the intimacy they create between the three of them, the bottom line is that they were a family before Gus arrived. They were a family when Tanya got pregnant and Lisa was there holding her hand. They were a family during all nine months and four days of her pregnancy, and, I believe, they will always be a family in God's eyes. No matter what the law says. No matter what some Christian politician says. No matter what anyone else says. I see them, and I see what's in their hearts, and nothing could be clearer to me in the world.

It's the final countdown!

Classes start tomorrow, and 14 short Wednesday/Thursday combos after that? I gradgimitate. It's going to be wonderful!

So, mark it: as of today, the countdown is 28 classes.

Rock it.

Image: The Germ himself

Image: Fallout

Considering I'm recovering from what is possibly the worst cold I've ever had in my ENTIRE life, I'm just posting a picture for now.

Fallout from playing with Germy Harrison at my parents' house this weekend.

Grades are up!

I got an A- in Student Life Research and an A in Leadership in Higher Education. I thought the grades would be reversed, but I'm pleased anyway.

I also completed my practicum with a PASS/SAT and now I'm rocking a 3.9 GPA. Not bad for full-time plus job plus partish/fullish time school.

Dare I say it - I'm proud of myself. Oh, and I'm going to be done in FOUR MONTHS!

Wahoooooooo!

Resolutions

I've never really been big on New Year's Eve plans, but one of my favorite parts of the change of the year happens on New Year's Day. Each year, after Christmas, we buy a new calendar for the year - the house calendar. This is where we put family and friend birthdays, anniversaries, planned visits, car maintenance, dentist and doctor appointments, days off from work, paydays, vacations - anything that's really relevant to Tara's and my schedule. I love picking out a new calendar, flipping though it to check out the pictures, and going through page by page against the old calendar and thinking about each thing that's written in the old calendar before transferring the birthday or event over to the new calendar.

Last year, we had the New York Audubon society calendar, and each month we turned to a new Audubon illustration that reminded me more of my grandmother than the last month's illustration, and one in particular was my favorite:


This year, we got the National Geographic American Landscapes 2008 calendar, and on New Year's Day I went through 2007 before putting it in the recycling. It was fun to think about everything we did last year, Tara's graduation, Bermuda, and all the other things we were lucky enough to do. When I got to October my heart dropped. Now, I'm not a big believer in New Year's resolutions, but when I saw this I vowed never to have another October like this, the busiest month of my life/our lives/Tara's life:



Though this year promises to be busy with other things, including another busy travel season for Tara in the Fall, I will not be in school. This will make a huge difference and allow me to better take care of the house while Tara is away. This year it was absolutely too much for me to do work, school, and all the homemaking. I'm looking forward to one of those significant obligations to be done soon. In May. On the 23rd. Not that I'm counting.

Oh, and now a random picture of C. Bob we took that I think is funny. Here's the back story: we bought a new pet carrier for the cats and there were labels inside in case you used the pet carrier on the plane. We made some additions that seemed more appropriate for our animals than the original version of the sticker:

Movies! Movies! Movies! Movies I will play!

Tara and I have been watching movies up the wazoo! What fun!

We've watched: Tomb Raider I; Tomb Raider II; Shortbus; Juno; Red Eye; and Jesus Camp.

TR I and II were entertaining - basically a low-grade version of Indiana Jones but with Ms. Jolie. Shortbus was...interesting. Juno was FANTASTIC. Red Eye was entertaining...and while I blog I'm watching Jesus Camp. I have two things to say about this: I'm extremely frightened and I'm moving to Canada.

Holy crap.

I'm DONE!

The practicum that I've been working on since May is now done also, which means I am DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE

...until January 30th when I will have only THIRTY class sessions to complete before being done with my Master's Degree. THIRTY. I can do thirty. That's only 150 episodes of JEOPARDY! 321 if you take the fast track!

(Gaylen - now I can call you back!)

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus,

Is there such a thing as praying too hard? Because I think we accidentally prayed us into a 13" snow storm that fell over seven hours, and we prayed my smokin' hott wife right into a Motel 6 in Hartford after FIVE HOURS in traffic. And by "in traffic" I mean parked on I91 in a complete bumper to bumper standstill that could only be resolved by turning around and driving the opposite way of actual, legal driving and going the other direction.

Right.

At least she's safe.

Love,
Your loyal servant

Prayer

Last night, Tara and I said a prayer together. It went like this:

"Dear sweet baby Jesus. Thank you for our sons Walker, and Texas Ranger, and for my smoking hot wife*. Please make sure everyone gets home safely tomorrow. In addition, sweet baby Jesus, can you please cancel classes at UMass so that Val does not have to go to her last Leadership class? If you love anything, sweet baby Jesus, show us that you love us by making the snow storm something impressive."

Well, sweet baby Jesus came through and UMass is closing at noon! My semester is over and my work is handed in and I AM DONE until January 30. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol*?

*Extra life points TODAY ONLY if you can name the movie sources of these two quotations.

Image: Going snorkling with Tara in Bermuda was way better than the pity party I'm having

Invitation

Dear Guest,

I'm having a pity party for myself. Would you like to come?

The appetizers will be divine, and the main course? Well, you'll just have to wait!

Love,
She who is ALMOST DONE WITH THE SEMESTER OH MY GOD

PS. If I have to read another article about spirituality and student development I'm going to stab myself in the face. At least twice.

19 items left on the to do list...

...and counting.

The to-do list countdown begins...

Several months ago I started tick marks to count down the number of Leadership classes I had left before the end of the semester. I only made it three classes in for the countdown because it was depressing to see the double-digit taunt me at every glance. Thirteen classes doesn't sound like a lot, but 13 classes at 2.5 hours a piece? Filled with boring blahlectureblah, half of which is the professor saying, "I don't lecture in my classes." Well, that's one thousand nine hundred and fifty minutes of my life I'll never get back. And if you like round numbers, that's nearly TWO THOUSAND minutes. Come on! That's 33 episodes of America's Next Top Model or Project Runway I could be watching but can't. 47 episodes if I watch them through TiVo. Don't even get me started on JEOPARDY!, which Tara and I have down to a TiVo science at 14 minutes. 14 MINUTES. This is serious business. We are TiVo experts.

(That's 142.8 episodes of JEOPARDY!. How much smarter would I be after 142.8 episodes of JEOPARDY! than after the equivalent time spent in Leadership? Exactly.)

But I digress.

Since I turned my back on that list in early October and things since that have been absolutely insane, I'm now down to three Research classes and three Leadership classes until I'm DONE. Done like done-but-I-have-two-papers-and-a-presentation kind of done, but I can handle that. And it really should be a no-caps DONE, because I'm only done for now until next semester when I have to prepare an oral defense like I'm a doctoral candidate except that oh! I'M NOT.

Anyway, my TO DO list now has 21 items on it, and since none of those items say, "Update Blog," it is only when I'm procrastinating that I will actually update. Hang in there, loyal fans. All three of you.

It happened, and I am all a-twitter

I am home this week from work to get a ton of schoolwork done before Thanksgiving break. It's a lot of work and nearly killing me, especially with my recent medical diagnosis of SENIORITIS.

But this morning I woke up, went downstairs to the laptop that has temporarily replaced my wife, and opened the front door to get milk out of the milk box. That alone makes me feel good, like I live in the country that's familiar to me from spending so much time with my grandmother as a kid in rural WNY. We never had milk delivered there, but it just gets me in that soft place of my heart that still holds all of the love and comfort provided by my grandmother for me when I was kid.

Anyway, I fling open the door and the Tibetan prayer bell attached to the doorknob chimes, as if to whisper, "There's something special out there..." and there it is - the winter's first snowfall! It is my favorite day of the year every year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Go With Your Love To The Fields; Practice Resurrection.

I've been kind of obsessed with Wendell Berry lately; I've been reading over and contemplating this piece, especially. Enjoy.

MANIFESTO: THE MAD FARMER LIBERATION FRONT

-Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Image: Golden Gate

We had a great time, and missed the earthquake by five hours. Eeek!

Image: AGF

Welcome, little one. You are such a blessing.

Aiden Gustav Favorite
October 22, 2007
9 lbs., 3 oz.
22 inches

PERFECT in every way.

Image: I can't get enough of these boys in my life

For Gaylen

Dear Gaylen,

Because I know you're a faithful reader, this is for you.

It was WONDERFUL to talk to you tonight. It's been too long, and your call came at a perfect time. Although I've been busy, I have been thinking about you a lot and was glad to catch up with you.

I'm glad you got to meet some superheroes tonight.

I love you, dear. Give that pup a kiss from Aunt Val.

Love,
V

Top on the To DO List

• Avert stress-induced panic and anxiety attack and subsequent shut-down

Status: Only partially achieved. Will let you know if I (1) survive or (2) choke myself with the short cord attached to my keyboard.

Image: I miss you, love.

All by myself. Don't want to be...

...all by myself...anymooooooooore!

Whaddup. Tara is in Colorado this week at work, which sucks for me but is awesome for her. She's never been there and is working hard but also taking lots of pictures and enjoying most of what the Rockies have to offer (except for the right wing nutjobness, that so far has been spared). Being home without her sucks, but I am being super productive with homework and baseball watching, though losing the front on 1) housekeeping, 2) erasing the TiVo, and 3) having patience with the cats who miss her. Oh God. We're so lonely. Us cats. We're starving and lonely and going to DIE with out Momma Tara. DIE. D. I. E. Not annoying at 9 pm. At 5 am, however? ANNOYING.

Classes are going well but are LOTS of work. Nine classes left of each course this semester and then I'm in my final semester. Despite finals lurking closely around the corner, I'm excited just to get through October. Tara is gone basically the whole month except when we're in CA together. Work is slowly killing me, and since news of the recent departure came down we're anticipating training someone soon. Then there's school.

Speaking of which -- back to learning SPSS.

:)

Image: Northampton skyscape at Friday rush hour

Hello, world

What's there to say except yes, I know I haven't posted to my blog since April.

Since April, little Griffin who was born in March is now 19 lbs and huge and cute and wonderful.


I finished up the semester just fine, and got As in two classes and an A- in another. Normally I wouldn't ever be caught dead saying "Luckily I got an A-..." in anything, but I got an A- in Law, which is the same class I took with Tara, and she got an A-, too. And the only other class we ever took together was Management, and we both an A- in that class, too. And as long as we both get the same grades in the same classes, everything is right with the world. We have an equal partnership here, people. Wife, yes. But PARTNERS. Equality is important, even in academic realms. :)

Tara graduated in May and continued job-hunting through June. Here's Tara looking S.M.A.R.T.


After Tara's graduation, we celebrated the end of a tough year by treating ourselves to a trip to Bermuda. No, this photograph has not been doctored in any way. Yes, I'm serious. It was that beautiful.

We spent most the rest of the summer visiting with friends and family, seeing my parents' new house in Rochester, meeting my college friend Marion's son Oliver:


having dinner with my Masters cohort, and celebrating other things like Lisa's graduation and Lisa and Tanya's impending arrival:


They've asked Tara and I to be godparents and we are JUST THRILLED.

In August we lost my Uncle Doug, and though it was a sad occasion, it was also an opportunity to reunite with different fractions of the Hooper family. During our visit to WNY for the memorial service, Griffin made his first trip to Letchworth State Park, continuing on the family tradition. Tara and I were also able to visit with my gram. It was precious time with her - time that I don't normally get. We also visited her home one last time and took pictures of the country road that leads to her home, the same country road that, despite her constant fog, she told me the most pristine story of us long ago, me as a little girl, and of her favorite place on that same road, strolling with me, and holding my tiny hand.

It has been a summer of completion, and of new beginnings.

my dear

Dear Blog,

How I'd love to have time to write in you. But seeing that I have written in you in nearly three months and no one cares, I think I'll wait until the semester is over.

Bullet points that summarize life right now:

- new nephew (Griffin) born on march 14. labor commenced at 2 am and i drove and drove and drove nearly falling asleep on the way then missed the birth by 30 minutes. right.

- covering my supervisor's two week medical leave while work continues to pummel me.

- i'm taking three classes. yes, three classes if full time. yes, i'm insane. literally.

- once i'm done with this semester i'll be more than halfway done. i will have five classes left, one of which i'm taking care of this summer. that leaves two semesters of two classes each. that sounds like a breeze from where i sit right now, and i can already feel the senioritis settling into my bones.

- i need a nap.

- i miss my friends.

- i miss movies.

Love,
me

Image: What a Goon You Are and I love you SO MUCH!

And so it begins...

We nearly achieved our movie-per-day goal, and now it's January 30th and the inevitable has happened.

Welcome, Spring semester 2007. The good news is that this is Tara's last semester. The bad news is that all of Septemeber 2007 through May 2008 I'm on my fucking own.

wooo hooo.

Movie 17

Walk The Line - ****stars

Both lead roles were SUPERBLY performed. I love Johnny Cash, so it was extra easy to watch.

We only need to double up one more day and we'll be right on target for our little project. We win.

I also started reading Branded Nation today. Oh, and I'm almost done with the church newsletter. Quite productive, I've been.

Movie 16

Today we watched Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.

Yet another step on the journey to completing the Show Tara Star Wars journey.

Movies we have on board

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
Memoirs of a Geisha
King Kong
Walk the Line
Munich
Amelie
Ice Harvest

All of this free time is AMAZING and ending in less than two weeks. :(

Movie 15

24 - *****five stars

Technically, this should count as a movie, because it was four hours worth of 24, and you can buy it for $10 at Target as though it's a film.

And it's January 17 and I have 16 movies to go. And it's football season, so we lost last Sunday and this upcoming Sunday to playoffs. Totally worth it though for the AWESOME game this past Sunday.

Movie 14

Born Into Brothels - *****FIVE STARS.

Devastating. Stunning. Amazing. Overwhelming. Beautiful. Hopeful and hopeless all at once.

Heartbreaking.

Movie 13

Star Wars: A New Hope (Episode IV)

It has been my greatest shame for seven years that Tara has never seen the Star Wars trilogy. By February 1st that will change, and we are 1/3 of the way there!

Four stars, for all of it's bad goodness!

"Movie" 4 through 12

beginning, middle and end of FIREFLY, complete.

"Movie" 3

Firefly (Pilot episode)

Hey, if Tara and I are going to get through this 31 movies in January thing, starting and watching a full season of Firefly is going to have to count. Especially when there are four hours of 24 next week. Four. Hours. F.O.U.R. I can't wait!

Movie 2

The Devil Wears Prada - **1/2 stars

Funny, but I fell asleep for 60% of it in the middle. Anne Hathaway is enviable, and Meryl Streep is always good. I'd watch the blooper reel again.

Movie 1

Goldfinger - ***three stars

The usual cheesiness one can expect from James Bond, with good action and a nice tank scene involving a tank. Could have used more cool toys, but wins bonus points for the femme fatale being named Xenia Onatop.

Image: Aunt Tara with HarrisonBoo in my favorite picture from XMas

my babies

Image: Finals was exhausting for Bob, too

exhausting

Image: Our living room during finals

Nasty

I'm out from under it

Aside from obsessively checking for my grades on Umass' website, I am DONE. For three blissful weeks there is NOTHING but work and home and sleep and FREE TIME. FREE TIME?! What the heck is that?

Christmas with the Hoopers was AWESOME and Vermont/New Year's with the Lindroses was also great.

Now Tara and I are working on a different plan called: One Movie per Night in January. So far we are failing miserably because it's January 3rd and we haven't watched anything yet, but dagnabbit we're going to start tonight, and I am pledging to write about everything we see.

International House of Nasty

OMG. Our house is a disaster. We have been living at the UMass library and there are Finals Piles everywhere. The cats are having fun walking around the stacks (and stacks and stacks) of things, but we are barely able to navigate them.

22 things left on Tara's list.

6 left on mine, and four days.

OMG. It's SO CLOSE. 16 pages of my 18-20 page history paper are DONE.

ROCK IT.

To do - ba-dow!

Life is just a series of numbers. Right now my numbers are:

Things left on To Do list: 10
Days in which those 10 things must be accomplished: 7
Number of presentations left: 1 (Tuesday)
Number of papers due : 1
Number of pages in said paper: 18-20
Number of hours left to work on presentation: less than 1
Number of days I have off from work in a row so I can work on my paper: 4
Concerns I have about getting my shit done: 0
Enthusiasm I have about having to do a single ounce more of work, out of 10: 0
Leaps of joy I will do when I finish this paper: 114
Days early I think my history paper will be completed before deadline: 2
Number of times in college I finished any single paper early: 0

Image: Beach!

Beach!

Image: Flowers in Provincetown

Flow-woos! Just testing this new blogger background.

Image: I'm ready for snow, but miss the days of summer and the beach!

Provincetown 2006

to do

22 left!

Update

To Do list items left, down from 57 : 29

Days left to do them: 16

Panic attacks averted so far: 3

Panic attacks not averted so far: 17

Hours of sleep the last two nights combined: 12

Number of anti-grumpy naps I've been able to take: 0

Times per day I rock back and forth while holding myself repeating, "It's only temporary. It's only temporary.": at least 12

Paying someone to torture me this way and doing it voluntarily: Priceless?

The truth - it ain't steak sauce

Well, let’s just say my Tadalist.com To Do list has 57 items on it. And that’s just the school To Do list, not the work To Do list. Oh, and two of the fifty seven things listed include two twenty page papers. Oh, and each of those pages that needs to be written is represented by only one line item of the fifty seven. Oh, and the time to accomplish those 57 things? 31 days.

Oh, and I’ve sunken to new lows and added church on my Sunday To Dos. I guess that makes 58.

:(

Never ever ever!!

Never, and I mean NEVER, ever ever ever eat a whole bowl of brussel sprouts for dinner. Ever. The results are bad, and then you can't write your reaction paper you don't want to write anyway.

Awwwww.

Image: There just might be a reason or two not to live near lake effect snow areas

Oh, Buffalo.

Image: Harrison is FLYING!

Go to the WEE!

One cool thing about attending a research university

I'm sitting in my car on the laptop waiting for Tara to get out of class and I'm blogging.

HOW COOL IS THAT?

Things are nuts. If you love me you'll email me and tell me so because I'm drowning.

Race

Go, Deval, go!

A little math for you people

These are total numbers for Tara and me, unless otherwise specified.

Number of courses this semester: 7
Number of credit hours: 21 credit hours
Number of hours working per week: 63
Number of meal times per week that,
in this coming semester,
will not actually be shared by Tara and I: 1 (x 16) = 16
Number of meals per week we will share on campus: 16
Number of dollars one text from one of Tara's course will cost: $146
Number of pounds of said text: 3.55
Price per pound: $41.12
Today's price of gas, per gallon: $2.58
Average weight of one gallon of gasoline: 6.25 lbs
Cost of gasoline per pound: 41 cents
Ratio of cost of gas to cost of book, by weight: 1:100
Number of times I've blogged in the last 30 days: four
Excuses I have: 739
Apologies I will issue: 0
Number of papers/outlines/presentations due in Ocotber: 4
Number of business trips I am taking in October: 1
Number of miles in said business trip: 7000
Number of hours of help from therapists I will need by October 25: 17

Going to grad school while trying to balance life and work and everything else: priceless.

The Fire in the Dell

I was going to share a story about Drag Queen Bingo and winning a porn called "Ass Munching - Balls" but instead I'll share this conversation regarding the recent, um, trouble with Dell laptop batteries, and upon our discovery that we did not have a laptop model the qualified for the free exchange:

Tara said last night, "Damn! I wish we had one because we need a new battery!"

And I looked at her for a minute.

And then another minute.

Then she said, "But I guess I'm happy a faulty battery didn't burn our house down."

And I said, "I thought that's what you said."

life shit

Despite my recommittment to my blog I have been a major slacker. I don't care. There are many themes that would emerge if you gave my blog an index but no one category would be as popular as the sorry-I've-disappeared category.

I thought once the semester was over I'd have so much free time, but it turns out the summer has been absolutely filled to the brim. We've driven home to Western NY three times in less than three months, thrown a retirement party for my mom, been to Harrison's birthday party, gone to my grandmother's house to help clean it out, and thrown a going away party for friends moving to California. Those were the big things. Then there were the 1,000,000 small things, and now, suddenly, it's August. August includes a four day trip to DC and a seven day trip to the Adirondacks, and then two short weeks before school begins again. And by school I actually mean the unpleasant experiences that is, between Tara and I, no overlapping classes, six of them, and increased responsibility in my job, where I just received a promotion.

In short, I am overwhelmed. Excited, but overwhelmed.

So suck it, blog. I've just finished one of the toughest two weeks of my life, and you're just going to have to wait.

Reading and NOT enjoying

I am just so, so sad about this.

It's like finding out Oz is the old man behind the curtain.

Reading

I'm enjoying this:

"... a small, plastic Noah’s Ark with a slew of animals. Leta went through and named off every animal, and when she got to the miniature Noah she stopped short and looked at me to give her a clue. Before I could explain who he was she held him up and said, “Monkey!” Ah-Ha! A toy based on the Bible is teaching my daughter about evolution. That, Alanis Morissette, is sweet, sweet irony."

from www.dooce.com

Distracted

The past couple of weeks have been hard for me. I've been trying to sort out a lot of feelings I'm having, but the only product I see from these efforts reflects the vague, shiftless existential shit I felt as a late adolescent. Some psychologists argue adolescent development continues to take place throughout the twenties. I know this must be true because I've met some thirty year olds who didn't yet hear that they are out of time.

On one hand, I've been facing a lot of changes in our house. Tara has stopped working and is trying to be a full time student in the fall, and my work, which usually keeps me quite busy and preoccupied, has dropped off as it is want to do in the summer. This makes me incredibly uneasy. Tara's assistantship search is ongoing, not yet fruitful, and frustratingly managed on the resume-receiving end. Deadlines are not deadlines to UMass, so there has been a lot of unplanned waiting. Oh, and then after that? More waiting.

In addition, a student who planned to enter this June called us two days before she was supposed to arrive. She had found a lump in her throat and was being tested for thyroid cancer. She assumed that she would be able to begin the program, but wanted to give it a few days until something conclusive in the tests came back from the lab. Two days later we got a call from her, and it wasn't thyroid cancer. In fact, it was a terribly agressive form of lymphoma, and before she even left the office where she got the diagnosis, they began treatment. In three days, her life changed entirely. In the ensuing weeks the treatment she is undergoing is so severe that she has already lost all of her hair, is so weak she can't sit up, and has to be on a special ward in the hospital because she is drastically susceptable to infection. She is twenty six. Oh, and that lump in her throat? A lymphoma that had actually grown from her abdomen, through her chest cavity, and into her throat.

This hit me particularly hard, because at the same time we celebrated Tara's 26th birthday. It was a wonderful day, but I could not get the reality of the other situation out of my head. What if that was me? Or, oh my god, Tara? How do we live our lives today knowing that something could change so drastically in such a short period of time? Last year my coworker's godson was diagnosed with cancer. He has since been treated and given a clean bill of health, but the last year after diagnosis, and in the aftermath, the family is still recovering in a number of ways. He is seventeen.

I am so incredibly grateful for everything in my life. I am learning to express that everyday, so if something ever happens, I know that everyone knows that. This is the only way I know how to find peace.

Courage sister
you do not walk alone
I will walk with you
and sing your spirit home

27 times

Well, it's only been done 27 times in in 200+ years, so why not amend it to show that we hate gays?

Too bad -- they didn't win!

How did your senator vote? Check it out here.

Thanks, NY and MA, and all the other senators who voted nay for good reasons. Oh, and thanks to those who voted nay because you're conservative enough not to want to change the freakin' constitution of the United States. Bush is a crazy motherfucker.

Crazy, I tell you.

You're on my shit list: Alabama, Alaska, Georgia, Idaho, Kansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia and Wyoming. All of these states voted with a double YAY to pass the amendment. These states also have the dubious distinction of having 894 of the deaths of US soldiers in Iraq since the current war began. Of the total deaths this represents over 36% of those who have died so far. Senators, please, bring your state's children HOME.

And Wyoming, how you haven't learned your lesson. You might remember this story from the last time you forgot about your responsibility to protect people.

Renewal of vows

Dear four readers of my blog -

I have not abandoned you. I simply have been juggling minor personal, work-related, and academic crises. I have returned and now can resume more regular updates. I missed you, and I'm sure you sat around crying because you missed me so damn much. Here's a synopsis:

personal crisis: mostly resolved
work-related crisis: CASE CLOSED
academic crisis: semester is over and grades are in. I got an A-. And yes, the perfectionist in my is really annoyed by that little "-", especially considering no one in the class got feedback after the first two papers, as in, NONE. And there were six total. And I got an A on both of the ones I got back. But you know, whatever. He's the Chancellor, so I suppose I have to live with it.

In other news, I'm reading and seething about this.

Is this OK with you? If not, tell somebody!

Faithfully ruining families on your behalf,
Gay Larry

Translation

In recent negotiations with my mother, I've asked her to be more gentle when she wants to talk about things that might be sensitive to me. It has been a long, hard lesson to learn, but I think we're close to achieving it.

There are moments, though, that I know she's resisting saying something and can't negotiate the compulsion to do so. Knowing what she has to say might hurt my feelings or imply judgement, she finds a way around it. She has become incredibly adept at it, too, and sometimes I don't even notice. For example, this weekend at Harrison's birthday party, we were hanging out together on Sarah's front porch. We were chit-chatting about all kinds of things, taking a much need break from the whir of the six children inside the house.

My mom said, "So, when did you cut your hair?"

But what she meant was, "When did you cut off your hair that I liked so much?"

Peanut

I can't believe you're two.

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. I'm getting eager to see you since I haven't seen you in almost five months. That's too long when that's a quarter of your life thus far. Too, too long. Your mother and grandmother share all of their stories about you with me, so I feel like you are still part of my everyday life. I think about you constantly, especially about the first moments when you became a part of our lives, the ways in which you made it so complicated, and the ways in which you changed everything that would happen from that moment forward.

Recently I've been trying to think more about the music I listen to, and how it connects me to different people in many ways. The same way I rely on smells to bring me back to memories of my grandmother, there are certain songs I hear that make me think of you instantly. The first week your mother went back to work I stayed with you during the day. Whenever you were hungry and would cry, I'd try a bunch of different things to calm you down. Without fail, when I rocked you in the nursery, stroked your tiny cheek and sang Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" you'd quiet instantly. I remember several times forgetting the words and going around in a loop, sometimes 20 minutes at a time. You didn't care about this repetition as you drifted off to sleep.

It will be a long time before you realize all of the special moments you've brought to so many people already, despite being pint-sized. I love you so much, and hope you have a wonderful birthday today.

I can't wait to see you.

Image: And let us not forget the cutest dog ever!

OMG!

Image: Happy 25th anniversary PRIDE, Northampton!

We had fun! See you next year!

The Dooce effect

In honor and solidarity with Dooce's latest venture, (Actually, I'm lazy about blogging and this sounded fun!) I decided to embark on my own iPod shuffle journey. My iPod, Pinky, has been a trusty soul since I got her and she has been to many different places, states, altitudes, airlines, and households. Batter up!

Song One: This Train Revised by the Indigo Girls
This is not a good start to my mock-project. ("Mockject" Doug?) No, starting with a song about the Holocaust could spell a disaster for the rest of this experiment.

Song Two: Into the West by Annie Lennox
I have always loved Annie Lennox, and when I was a teenager I used to fantasize about being her, especially in her video for "Why". My epitomized existential dilemmas of teenagerhood were attracted by the video that depicted the intricate performance of face and image. I felt protected watching her sheild herself with layers of make-up and costume. Hearing her now, almost fifteen years later, the song immediately evokes the memory of how I felt the moment the Lord of the Rings films were over -- sadness, loss, and resolution all at the same time. I was satisfied that it had been completed, but mourned losing my friends Froddo and Sam after my heart had been trained to follow their story. Wow. I'm starting to sound crazy like Annie during "Walking on Broken Glass" days.

Song Three: There is too much damn Indigo Girls on my iPod. (Closer to Fine)

Song Three(a): You Cause As Much Sorrow by Sinead O'Connor
I am transported immediately back to being 14 and pissed and ready to shave my head as a big FUCK YOU to all who'd listen. But I didn't, so I just listened to a whole lot of Sinead. The best angst-ridden lyric from that song: "You've done nothing so far but destroy my life. You cause as much sorrow dead as you did when you were alive."

Song Four: Black Tornado by Dan Bern
I found Dan Bern three years ago and have been obsessed with his Bob Dylan-like charm, except that you can actually understand him. Despite the upbeat nature of this song, the ending makes me tear up every time. He croons, "And everything is changing faster than I can describe. And all I really know to do is grab the wheel and drive and look for love, and some adventure. And I try not to let my own breathing scare me off the road. There is a tombstone of my father I visit sometimes. There is a tombstone of my father I visit sometimes." Within a year of buying this CD my nephew was born, and it wasn't until he became a part of my life that I understood the magnitude of everything. They day he was born my uncle in Vietnam died, and in the two years since Harrison's birth my grandmother's health has slowly declined. I've changed in ways I couldn't anticipate, and in dimensions that surprise me sometimes. There is a lot of freedom in how I feel now, and a lot of simultaneous joy and pain when I think about all there is to come, both life and death.

Song Five: Like seriously, WAY too much Indigo Girls! (Pushing the Needle Too Far)

Song Five (a): This is absurd and I'm embarassed and really freaking GAY, apparently! (Get out the Map)

Song Five (b): It's Only Love that Gets You Through by Sade
I can't say I've ever heard this song before. If we were in the car and the iPod was connected to both an iTrip and Tara's hand, this would get a quick *click*! I love you, Tara, and the painful, painful iPod iTrip dance you do!

Song Six: February by Dar Williams
If Dar Williams were a fictional character she'd be Mother Nature mixed with Betty Friedan. I think the most powerful songs evoke feelings and memories based on every sense, not just by creating a mood through music. I am fond of this song because it makes me think of my birthday, of course, and the long, tiring New England winter -- one that is intolerably long and hard to let go of at the same time. I love the renewal of spring, but the comfort of wood fires and fleece, too.

Song Seven: John, I love you by Sinead O'Connor
"I let tears fall like rain, apple-sized they were! Oh, the pain! And through all of those times, when you could have died, this is what you find -- there's life outside your mother's garden. There's life beyond your wildest dreams....kick off those dancing shoes, kick off those wedding blues!" Apparently all of the music I listen to is about coming of age. So, yeah.

Song Eight: Damn, these Indigo Girls are PRO-FUCKING-LIFIC! (Touch Me Fall)

Song Eight (a): Low by Kelly Clarkson
Everyone has to have some token pop. Shout out to KC and my dealer, Tara, for hooking me up with this sing-along-able candy!

Song Nine: Under African Skies by Paul Simon
Thanks to my sister, Simon and Garfunkel was the first music I ever heard that wasn't Johnny Mathis or some ESL singsongy crap. (Big trees, tall trees, big tall trees...) The imagery and melody of this song are powerful, and the african singing and drumming in the background make this song as ethereal as I imagine it is actually to lie under african skies. You know, african skies not in Uganda or the Sundan.

Song Ten (oh please be a good one!): Turn Off the Light by Nelly Furtado
Nelly Furtado makes my ears hurt not because she doesn't have musical talent, but because I never know what to expect from her music. Her second album was more interesting than the first, but I'm still loyal to this catchy favorite. Rumor has it she's putting out a new album this year. Hopefully it will contain as much complexity as this song and the rest of her albums.

So, the experiment is done. It was as much fun as I thought. I'll have another go at it next week! But if for some reason I don't blog for a while it's because I'm busy erasing the Indigo Girls off of my iPod and downloading some MAN music! (I'll have you know Song Eleven is Girl on the Wing by The Shins!)