Has me crying I'm laughing so hard

From a friend who is coming out to his parents:

"It all started when Val told me that she was a lesbian and had chosen
the gay lifestyle. She handed me some pamphlets and brochures, and
told me that the gay lifestyle would enable me to have mindless, empty
sex, consume lots of drugs, indulge my narcissistic tendencies, and
ensure that I never grow up until I become a jaded 45 year old queen
who lives in a bar and desperately tries to pick up 21 year old
twinkies.

Now, I don't want to grow up or be a father. I don't even want to be
an American anymore. I hate freedom, families, and especially my
flag. I am moving to Cuba."