When I came out to my parents almost three years ago, I couldn't imagine the freedom that doing so would allow me. The person I am today did not exist before I came out of the closet, but instead was hidden by a defensive, depressed, and self-damning person who never felt like her love was worth another person's time. I loved immensely, and I was loved immensely, but the deepest parts of my person could not feel that love that I had chosen to shut out -- the kind of love that you only feel when you risk and trust and jump, all at the same time. It's the kind of love I shunned others for being able to feel, the kind of abandon I wasn't sure was possible, the kind of boundlessness I yearned for, but rejected.
Coming out has allowed me to love more wholly and to see love in others differently. In T I have found the person who supports me endlessly, loves me vivaciously, and challenges me to explore all parts of my thoughts and feelings. She honors me with her love and trust and truth, and I have learned to honor hers and others because of it.
In part, I have been able to open myself to this experience because of the national and state conversation about gay marriage. All romanticizing aside, this conversation has, at its base, prepped the average American to have a sensitive and informed conversation about my rights, leaving some of the impossible work to be done by those who can handle it in a more removed way. I will admit, after T and I were married, every time I saw some crazed anti-gay crusader on tv, I burst into tears. It was draining and damaging to see the validity of my life debated on tv every night. All day long. Hour after hour. Over and over and over again. And then again.
But at least now the scene is set, and those who resisted confronting this issue before now have no choice. I am supported by my family, my friends, mycommunity, my city, my state, its legislature and its court.
Since I came out to my parents, I have not yet been in a situation when I was fully closeted. Next month, T and I go to Texas, and we have already discussed our disguise. It makes me profoundly sad to have to say this, but I will be in places in Texas where I will fear for my safety as an out lesbian. I cringe to think about W's recent speech about being a beacon of freedom abroad, and that, in doing so, we must not embed the seeds of discrimination at home. Included in this speech he talked of promoting heterosexual marriage above gay marriage, of his own model of "morality" and "family values" as superior to my own. He preached hellfire and brimstone to scare those Christian fundamentalists into using their shared faith in God and Jesus to spew HATRED.
Recently at church we discussed this fundamentalism. During the message, our reverand quoted St. Augustine to say, "If you are reading the Bible and the message of God and you find hatred, read it again. And if you read it again and find hatred, you must read it again. God is Love." We all carry the charge presented to us, whatever it is that we believe in. Do not be fooled that this struggle is over, or that we can slink by, shirking our responsibilities. I have been changed by the actions of a few individuals, and I know that each one of us is capable of the same change in this world. I know this. I believe it. I have to.
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